Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. - Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - Woody Allen
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser! - Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me. - Woody Allen
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence. - Woody Allen
I read in self-defense. - Woody Allen
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. - Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ. - Woody Allen
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. - Woody Allen
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic. - Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. - Woody Allen
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - Woody Allen
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters. - Woody Allen
The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you. - Woody Allen
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. - Woody Allen
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. - Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right. - Woody Allen
Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF. - Woody Allen
I am at two with nature. - Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving? - Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. - Woody Allen
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. - Woody Allen
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. - Woody Allen
Hay relaciones en las que las palabras dice amistad, pero los ojos gritan romance. - Woody Allen
My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately? - Woody Allen
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be terminal cases, blind people, criples. The miserable is everyone else. When you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable. - Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. - Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - Woody Allen
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird. - Woody Allen
Eternity is very long, especially towards the end. - Woody Allen
[...] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day. - Woody Allen
One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit. - Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right. - Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen
We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi. - Woody Allen
How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans. - Woody Allen
To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition. - Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. - Woody Allen
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. - Woody Allen
I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me. - Woody Allen
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's fantastic ... - Woody Allen
My brain? That's my second favorite organ. - Woody Allen
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. - Woody Allen
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. - Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead. - Woody Allen
Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. - Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. - Woody Allen
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving? - Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen
Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine. - Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. - Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? - Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. - Woody Allen
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. - Woody Allen
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. - Woody Allen
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. - Woody Allen
If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job. - Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. - Woody Allen
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. - Woody Allen
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. - Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. - Woody Allen
I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders. - Woody Allen
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead. - Woody Allen
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib. - Woody Allen
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone. - Woody Allen
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen
-Mary: Il sesso senza amore è un'esperienza vuota!-Isaac: Beh, ma tra le esperienze vuote è una delle migliori. - Woody Allen
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open? - Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. - Woody Allen
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. - Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. - Woody Allen
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. - Woody Allen
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. - Woody Allen
Thought: why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. - Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. - Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. - Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen
It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to. - Woody Allen
Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. - Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. - Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. - Woody Allen
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? - Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Woody Allen
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'. - Woody Allen
Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. - Woody Allen
If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up. - Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. - Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. - Woody Allen
There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope. - Woody Allen
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. - Woody Allen
I don't want to become immortal through my work, I want to become immortal through not dying. - Woody Allen
The wicked at heart probably know something. - Woody Allen
For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal - Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. - Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. - Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up. - Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. - Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen
Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end. - Woody Allen
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. - Woody Allen
The most expensive sex is free sex - Woody Allen
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. - Woody Allen
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. - Woody Allen